This last weekend was the 189th Semi-Annual General Conference of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. All I have to say is WOW! It was a beautiful conference. It's probably my favorite to date. So much to think about and apply into my own life.
Last week I spoke on the topic of how those within the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, despite coming from a place of genuine love, can cause hurt and pain from the things they say and do.
This part 2 will address this same topic, but from the other end of the spectrum, from those of the LGBTQ+ community.
I have come to appreciate the PRIDE flag. For me, it means that there's a lot about human sexuality, gender identity, and love that we don't know or understand. There are all different kinds of love. Love is diverse. To me, the flag is taking PRIDE in diversity of love. Even if a type of love doesn't fit within the bounds of your own personal beliefs, you still honor and respect that love.
We LGBTQ+ members of the Church are as equally aware of the current political climate surrounding LGBTQ+ issues and the belief system in this community as we are of what the Church teaches about the topic, and having someone push articles and viewpoints in our faces is just as hurtful.
Since our Voices of Hope video went public, and since starting this blog, we have had many people message or make comments about how we are living a lie, especially me.
They think that I have been brainwashed, that I got married to "fix" myself (or was told to marry to "fix" myself by a Church leader), or have convinced myself that my marriage to Emma and my continued commitment to my faith is the right choice, or I do it because I want to please family, friends, and others. They tell me that I am wrong, and the day will come when I will realize this. They state that all MOMs end in divorce, and mine will be no different.
They tell me that I am sending a bad message to youth; that sharing my story and living the lifestyle I'm living will further hurt and damage them.
Again, I understand that they come from a place of genuine concern and love for me and my well-being. However, they are completely invalidating, and to a point, even vilifying me, my experience, my faith, my wife, our marriage, and my family. It hurts to know that many who know better than anyone the struggles and dilemmas I've faced in life have done this to me.
I want to address some of the things they have brought up and used against the life I have chosen to live.
First, I want to make it very clear that I am not brainwashed. I did not get married to "fix" my same-sex attraction. I have not convinced myself that marrying Emma was the "right choice" nor did I do it out of duty or to please family, friends, leaders, etc.
I CHOSE to marry Emma. I married her, because I fell in love with her. I was never brainwashed by any Church leader, member, or family member. I made this choice of my own free will and choice. I certainly did not do it to please anyone. As a matter of fact, it was the complete opposite!
When we announced our engagement we had many members of our family, friends, heck even classmates and professors who were openly opposed to it. I kid you not, I had a professor confront me and tell me that if Emma were her daughter, she'd get a restraining order on me, and said this loudly and in front of several people who AGREED with her. Needless to say, she isn't my favorite person in the world, nor will she get a teacher-of-the-year nomination from me anytime soon. When I called a family member to tell them of our engagement they were very vocal of their opposing the engagement with Emma sitting there with me listening. We have dealt with open and even hostile opposition to our relationship from the very beginning.
And I want to make it clear that I did not marry Emma to "fix" my homosexuality nor was I advised by a Church leader to do that. I knew that it wouldn't work that way. Again, I married her because I loved her. I chose her.
Before I met Emma I had tried dating. It never worked. I was never able to feel that attraction. But I was desperate for it. I wanted more than anything to marry in the temple and have a family of my own. For years, I spent sleepless nights in the deepest trenches of anxiety and sadness. All I wanted was to meet my eternal companion and have a family. However, I felt sure that my SSA would keep me from that dream. I was convinced that there wasn't a single woman in the world that would want to marry a man like me. The desperate desire for an eternal marriage and family would hit me so deep and so hard at times I would feel a physical ache in my chest. Like a painful hole that I feared could never be filled. I shed many tears in the dark hours of the night.
Why did I want a marriage so badly to a person of the opposite sex when I was attracted to the same sex? It's simple, really. In my heart I have always had a deep and abiding testimony of the gospel of Jesus Christ. I have always had a burning testimony of the Plan of Salvation. I knew that, for me, my greatest happiness in this life and in the life after would be with an eternal companion, sealed in the temple by the authority of God, and in my posterity. I knew it. I've always known and felt that way. That wasn't something someone thrust upon me or force fed me.
I know some of you won't believe me. You stand on the sidelines waiting and anticipating the day when I will "wake up" and realize that I am not really happy.
Don't hold your breath.
As for all MOMs not working out, I'd invite you to stop using absolutes and from generalizing. There's so many couples similar to us that are thriving and so incredibly happy. They are across the whole spectrum from being newly weds to having been married 30, 40, 50+ years! We are not destined to fail. It hurts to have people oppose your love. I would think that a community whose love has been hated and marginalized as much as the LGBTQ+ community would be more open and accepting to all types of love. My love doesn't invalidate or destroy any of theirs. It only diversifies the meaning of love.
Frankly, it's not my sexuality that causes struggles and hardship in our marriage. It's the struggle to defend our marriage and fight for the right for our marriage to be accepted, supported, and legitimized that gets exhausting. We are happy!
Second, I want to address those who accuse me of contributing to the hurt, pain, and damage to LGBTQ+ youth and young adults in the Church due to being in my marriage.
I acknowledge that there may be some youth and adults to feel that way, and I don't want to invalidate their hurt and pain. It's real, and I mourn with you. However, I am not going to live a lie or forfeit my own personal happiness just because someone else might hypothetically be hurt by it. I spent over 20 years of my life living a lie and forfeiting my happiness to avoid hurting others, and it didn't work out so well for me. I think I do greater service and justice to those youth and young adults by living my life authentically, honestly, and as happily as I can.
Also, I have said it before, and I'll say it again. I in no way intend nor want anyone to look upon or use my marriage, lifestyle, or life choices as the ideal. I do not want me, Emma, our marriage, or our family to be used as the poster child of how others should live their life. I don't even want to be compared to other MOMs. My life, my choices, our marriage, are just that-ours.
My marriage doesn't send a message of oppression or restriction. I think it does the opposite. I think it sends a message that there are more avenues and choices than the black and white, or even gray choices that are laid before us. There's a whole rainbow of choices out there (see what I did there?). And for those who believe that I'm a bad example, let me tell you I have had many LGBTQ+ youth and young adults THANK me for my example of being in the marriage I'm in. It gives them hope and courage, because they have the same dreams, desires, hopes, fears, and ache I had before marriage. It gives them hope that what they want more than anything really is possible.
Lastly, I want to end with a question for those within the LGBTQ+ community that I've already asked, but will ask again.
I respect and honor the relationships, marriages, and love of all my fellow LGBTQ+ brothers and sisters whether it fits into my own personal beliefs or not. I don't think it is too much to ask that I am given the same respect and honor in return.
We are not enemies. We are friends. We are brothers and sisters. Instead of tearing each other down, let's build each other up through love, respect, support, and by honoring each other's experiences and journeys. They don't cancel each other out nor invalidate each other. They give diversity and strength. Let's show that Love Wins not matter what it looks like.
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