Let's Address the MOM in the Room

On August 24, 2012 I married the love of my life in the Manti Utah Temple. It is without a doubt one of the best days of my life.

The two pictures below have come to be my absolute favorite from our wedding. 

If you've never been to the Manti Utah Temple it is on top of a very large, very steep hill (you can see the full size of it in the first picture of this post). These pictures do not do justice to just how tall and steep it is. Our photographer caught these two candid shots while we were climbing back up the hill after taking some photos at the bottom. It was very difficult for Emma to walk up the hill in her wedding dress, and her feet kept slipping. It was very slow going, because we did not want her to fall and get a grass stain on her dress. I had to help push her up the hill and keep her from falling when she slipped. 

Over the years these two pictures have become beautifully symbolic of our marriage. 

Our marriage is what may be called a Mixed Orientation Marriage, or a MOM. A MOM is when one or both of the spouses have a differing sexual orientation or gender identity than the traditional marriage. In our case, I am gay and Emma is straight. This mixed orientation has created a unique dynamic in our relationship. We face challenges that normal married couples don't. We have to climb metaphorical hills on a regular basis. Some of those hills are not of our making but forced upon us because of what society thinks about our marriage. This mix also creates many opportunities that other couples don't have. 

So, I'd like to take this opportunity to share the beauty of our relationship and help clarify questions some readers may have about our MOM.

Not every couple like us (and yes, there are many others) prefers or even likes to be called a MOM. It is a personal preference and each couple's preference should be respected. We don't mind being called a MOM. 

Our marriage is just as valid and legitimate as any other marriage. Despite what others think or say, we are not living a lie, we are not staying in the marriage to save face or because we feel forced to by our religion or because we have children. We stay together because we love each other and want to be married. Also, I have no intention to end our marriage in order to live "authentically". I am living authentically. 

I did not get married to "fix" or "cure" my sexual orientation nor did I hope that it would. I also want to clarify that I was never given that advice by any of my Church leaders. The Church has stated that leaders are not to say such things, because it doesn't work. I believe that sexual orientation is not a choice, and it is not something to be "cured."

Some may be confused about how the intimacy part of our marriage works. That is a legitimate question. Emma is the first woman I have ever felt attracted to. To this day I have not experience that attraction for another woman. There was something about her from the moment I met her that was different. She gets me. She accepts me. She loves me for exactly who I am. I had never experienced that kind of unconditional love before. For me, everything about Emma is amazing. She is one of a kind, and I could not imagine my life without her in it. 

 I love Emma for WHO she is, not WHAT she is. Does that make sense? It is not her anatomy that I am attracted to. It is her. All of her. Her soul, her heart, her incredible ability to look past flaws and love a person, her passion for family, and so. much. more.

Intimacy is a very sacred part of our marriage. In that moment she is giving all of herself to me, and I am giving all of myself to her. It is a very vulnerable place to be-for any couple! You have to be willing to give every part of yourself, and I'm not just talking about your body, to the other person. It is more than just animalistic sex where it's all about the pleasure you personally can take away from the experience. It goes to your very core, your soul. You find the greatest joy in giving yourself to the other person all while taking their offering of their whole self to you. You find joy in the joy you give them and vice-versa. That to me is what it means when two people become one. It is one of the purest forms of love we can experience. It becomes a sacred part of a marriage and a forging agent that links a couple together forever. We know each other in a way that no one else does or ever will. It is beautiful.

It takes a lot of patience, empathy, honest conversation, and trust to get to this point. It doesn't just happen naturally. It takes practice. It is trial-and-error. It takes time. 

For those of you reading this that are in a MOM and are wondering how to make this part of your marriage work, here are the main pieces of advice I would give: Talk openly, ask questions (even the dumb or embarrassing ones), be patient, be empathetic, be okay with awkwardness, laugh at the awkwardness, respect boundaries, explore and discover, communicate what works for you and what doesn't, and keep trying. Also, DO NOT COMPARE! No couple should ever do that! Your relationship is yours, and it shouldn't look like someone else's.

If you asked Emma what it's like being married to me, she'd say being married to a gay man is the best. I don't objectify her. I love to do things like decorate and design our home and self-care date nights of facials, manicures, pedicures, deep hair conditioning treatment, and fancy baths all with scented candles to set the mood. We get to talk about which Chris we find most attractive (Chris Evans for me, Chris Pratt for her, but let's be honest they're all beautiful). I have a general dislike for sports. I enjoy watching the same shows and movies she does (however, we both generally can't stand corny chick flicks. Give us a real romance!). We love to sit up late at night and just talk. 

Now, I understand and acknowledge that I am very VERY blessed to have been able to have found a woman I am attracted to and marry. There are many LGBTQ+ members who will never find this or even want this. That is one of the reasons why I do not want anyone to look at me or my marriage as the ideal for LGBTQ+ members of the Church or non-members for that matter. Please don't do that. Our story is ours and should not be compared against anyone else's or vice-versa. Not all MOMs work out. Many LGBTQ+ Church members don't get married. That's okay! We have very individual journeys and each should be respected. 

Unfortunately, we are forced to defend our marriage sometimes, because there are many within both the Church and the LGBTQ+ community that do not believe our marriage is valid. They believe that I am suppressing my sexuality and living in oppression to a religious belief system. They think that if my wife truly loved me she would let me go to be my "authentic" self. They think that I am a terrible person for marrying Emma, because there's no way I could love her like she deserves, because I am a gay man. They believe that we are living a lie. 

We are truly, genuinely happy. 

We truly, genuinely love each other.

Finally, there is one last part to our marriage that is the most important part. That's why I left it for the end. When we married in the temple we made sacred covenants with each other. The sealing ordinance is the only ordinance I am aware of where we make a covenant with another person. All other covenants we make at baptism and in the temple are made with God. I find it incredible that one of the culminating ordinances for our eternal progression is one where we make covenants with someone else other than God. How amazing is that?! We are making a covenant with someone who is not yet perfect but has the ability to become so. It is a covenant between two gods in the making. I find that beautiful!

It is also symbolic, because in order to reach that point of perfection and eternal glory we much first make covenants to God and then to another. This is a great pattern of how to live one's life. Putting God first before one's spouse may seem wrong to some, but I think it makes perfect sense. Why? Because God is perfect. He won't go back on his promises. Putting Him and our covenants with Him first gives us greater power and capacity to keep the covenant we make with a spouse. That is why I believe that a couple who marry in the temple isn't just a marriage between a man and a woman. It is a triangle between wife, husband, and God. As we strengthen the bond between ourselves and God and move closer to Him, the bond between spouses gets stronger and moves closer to each other until that perfect day when all three points come together in perfect love. 

I want to end this post by saying that Emma and I are always happy to talk about our MOM and answer people's questions-even the ones you may be afraid to ask. We are not ashamed of our relationship, and we want to help others understand just how great and real it is. It's not all moonshine and roses, but our marriage is thriving and so fulfilling.

It is pretty dang magical. I don't think Severus Snape himself could concoct a love potion that could make it any stronger.