The last few weeks have been a crazy whirlwind for me and my wife. If you had told me a year ago that I'd be doing the things I am today I would not have believed you.
A year ago I was not out to the general public nor to most of our family. Now, Emma and I have participated in a music video with North Star, we've come out to all of our family, we have come out to our church leaders and are working closely with them to help them learn how to help LGBTQ+ Church members and providing them with resources to learn and help (that is an ongoing process and I will probably write a blog post about that when we've gotten farther into it), I've come out to the general public and started this blog and a Facebook page to go with it, and just this last week we have officially become part of the Voices of Hope Project with our videos and essays being launched.
It is a surreal feeling to see all of this happen in such a short time when it took me and us as a couple so long to be at a point where we could do this.
I have asked and it has even been requested that my wife share her story and journey. I hope that in the near future she will be able to share a post on this blog, and that she will be able to do so once in a while. After all, this mixed life I live isn't just mine, but hers as well, and her side is just as important to this canvas we are painting together called marriage and life. She has shared her part of the story through the essays we wrote for Voices of Hope.
I am naturally a very private person and have kept my personal life closely guarded for most of my life. However, I have felt for a long time now that our journey as individuals, a couple, and a family needs to be shared, because there are people who need to hear it. I don't know who those people are, but in the short time we have started to share we have met many already. We have had many sacred experiences talking to people and the love they have shown toward us is beyond what we expected or hoped for. I went from being frozen with terror about the idea of even saying the words "I'm gay" to the point that I physically could not get the words to leave my lips to now having shared it with the world basically.
I should clarify what I just said. I have shared that I am a gay disciple of Jesus Christ. My sexuality and my faith in Jesus Christ as my Savior are closely knit together. I don't think it's possible for me to separate the two, because they are inseparably woven into the fabric of my life experience on this earth. They are two undeniable aspects of my identity.
I was recently asked a question by a friend of mine, Tember. He has given me permission to share his name and this story. He is a fellow LGBTQ+ Church member who is also in a mixed orientation marriage (MOM) and has done so much good for our community. He was on the Listen, Learn, and Love podcast a while back. His story is beautiful and inspiring. You can click here if you'd like to learn his story. I highly recommend you do!
The question he asked me was this: If you were to explain to someone else with same-sex attraction (SSA) about the importance of being able to acknowledge your SSA for what it is, how would you explain that and the importance it has had in your journey?
The short answer is it was absolutely vital.
The long answer is that it was vital for my personal sanity and safety. The fear and shame I was living with previously would have eventually destroyed me. Spiritually and physically. I don't think it's too far to say that it would have eventually killed me if I had kept going as I was before.
The problem was that I had an undeniable testimony of Jesus Christ, His Church, the Book of Mormon, and the Restoration, but I couldn't separate between what was truth and what was "the philosophies of men mingled with scripture."
It was a year-and-a-half ago after attending our first North Star conference that I was able to overcome the majority of my fear and shame. I knew I wanted to stay in the gospel and the Church. There was no question about that for me. I just wasn't sure how that worked or what that looked like. How did being gay, married to a woman, and being an active member of the Church equal "authenticity"?
It was my therapist who helped me come to the point of being able to find my authenticity. The first thing I had to figure out was what my core values and beliefs are. Then, create a life that is congruent with that. It sounds simple, and it was once I figured out my core values and beliefs. But I had to get to a point of self-acceptance and self-love before that was possible, and part of that was accepting my sexuality.
That was the hard part. Talking about it and associating with other LGBTQ+ Church members made it easier. And I want to admit something here. There was a while when the idea of even talking to a fellow LGBTQ+ person terrified me. It was because I was terrified of myself. I had to accept who I was and love myself before I was able to accept another. There is real power in the first two great commandments to love God and love your neighbor as yourself. The level of love you have for yourself directly affects your ability to love others.
Over the last 6 months my wife and I have been coming out to more people. I say my wife and I because it's both me coming out and us as a MOM coming out. I find that what I feared before about people knowing was the opposite of the truth.
The more open I am, the more authentic I feel I am living and the less fear and shame can live. Why? Because telling our story brings healing, connection, and confidence. It opens the way for special experiences for me and my wife.
My relationship with Christ, the part the atonement has played in my life, my experience in the gospel and in the Church, my faith, testimony, and personal conversion are so deeply affected with my experience as a gay man. I couldn't be genuine in sharing about those things if I kept my sexuality hidden.
Tember then asked a great follow-up question: When did you finally acknowledge to yourself that you were gay and how you felt? Had you accepted the SSA at that point as well, or was it merely just an acknowledgement?
For me, it was more an acknowledgement when I came to the realization. I personally knew about my attractions from a young age, but didn't truly acknowledge it until I was a young adult, and it was in total shame. I didn't start really pulling out of that shame until a little over a year ago. It has only been within the last 6 months since I've been going public about it that I feel like I can say I've basically overcome the shame completely. That doesn't mean it's not scary to come out to people, but I'm not in the shame anymore.
I am grateful to Tember for asking those questions.
There was a real struggle for me in my journey to find the place where I could reconcile my sexuality and my faith. I still don't have it all figured out. It is a very difficult journey, and it is no surprise that many take a different path and step away from the Church. It is something that only LGBTQ+ could fully understand. To feel that you have a part of you that no matter how you try it doesn't fit inside the doctrine of the gospel while at the same time having an undeniable testimony of said gospel is incredibly difficult to reconcile. However, to walk away from either of these parts of me is not possible, because to do so would be denying a part of me. That's not living authentically.
I do believe that there is a place for both my testimony and my sexuality. My sexuality has brought me an understanding of God's love I would not have come to any other way. Being gay affects my understanding of the atonement and what it is capable of. I am more inclusive and sensitive of those who don't fit within the cultural norm. My experiences I have had because of the struggles I have gone through help me to be empathetic to other's struggles and hurt. I respect other's agency and love them even when their path leads them away from the Church, because no matter the path they choose they are still children of God and their worth does not change. Of course, I don't want to see anyone step away from the Church, and we have got to find a way to keep more of our LGBTQ+ brothers and sisters from leaving. But they still deserve love and respect if that is the path they choose.
I know that there are people who find my authenticity confusing and even wrong. That's okay. My authenticity doesn't have to make sense to you just as yours doesn't need to make sense to me. It is my authenticity. It only needs to make sense to me and vice-versa. The only thing I have to worry about is making sure that I honor and respect your authenticity as you do the same for me.
When we stop worrying and judging other's lives we will find that we have more room to explore our own and find the self-love and acceptance we need to live authentically. Then, we won't feel the need to judge others. We will only feel pure, unmitigated love for them. After all, our place is to just love. Leave the rest to God.
A year ago I was not out to the general public nor to most of our family. Now, Emma and I have participated in a music video with North Star, we've come out to all of our family, we have come out to our church leaders and are working closely with them to help them learn how to help LGBTQ+ Church members and providing them with resources to learn and help (that is an ongoing process and I will probably write a blog post about that when we've gotten farther into it), I've come out to the general public and started this blog and a Facebook page to go with it, and just this last week we have officially become part of the Voices of Hope Project with our videos and essays being launched.
It is a surreal feeling to see all of this happen in such a short time when it took me and us as a couple so long to be at a point where we could do this.
I have asked and it has even been requested that my wife share her story and journey. I hope that in the near future she will be able to share a post on this blog, and that she will be able to do so once in a while. After all, this mixed life I live isn't just mine, but hers as well, and her side is just as important to this canvas we are painting together called marriage and life. She has shared her part of the story through the essays we wrote for Voices of Hope.
I am naturally a very private person and have kept my personal life closely guarded for most of my life. However, I have felt for a long time now that our journey as individuals, a couple, and a family needs to be shared, because there are people who need to hear it. I don't know who those people are, but in the short time we have started to share we have met many already. We have had many sacred experiences talking to people and the love they have shown toward us is beyond what we expected or hoped for. I went from being frozen with terror about the idea of even saying the words "I'm gay" to the point that I physically could not get the words to leave my lips to now having shared it with the world basically.
I should clarify what I just said. I have shared that I am a gay disciple of Jesus Christ. My sexuality and my faith in Jesus Christ as my Savior are closely knit together. I don't think it's possible for me to separate the two, because they are inseparably woven into the fabric of my life experience on this earth. They are two undeniable aspects of my identity.
I was recently asked a question by a friend of mine, Tember. He has given me permission to share his name and this story. He is a fellow LGBTQ+ Church member who is also in a mixed orientation marriage (MOM) and has done so much good for our community. He was on the Listen, Learn, and Love podcast a while back. His story is beautiful and inspiring. You can click here if you'd like to learn his story. I highly recommend you do!
The question he asked me was this: If you were to explain to someone else with same-sex attraction (SSA) about the importance of being able to acknowledge your SSA for what it is, how would you explain that and the importance it has had in your journey?
The short answer is it was absolutely vital.
The long answer is that it was vital for my personal sanity and safety. The fear and shame I was living with previously would have eventually destroyed me. Spiritually and physically. I don't think it's too far to say that it would have eventually killed me if I had kept going as I was before.
The problem was that I had an undeniable testimony of Jesus Christ, His Church, the Book of Mormon, and the Restoration, but I couldn't separate between what was truth and what was "the philosophies of men mingled with scripture."
It was a year-and-a-half ago after attending our first North Star conference that I was able to overcome the majority of my fear and shame. I knew I wanted to stay in the gospel and the Church. There was no question about that for me. I just wasn't sure how that worked or what that looked like. How did being gay, married to a woman, and being an active member of the Church equal "authenticity"?
It was my therapist who helped me come to the point of being able to find my authenticity. The first thing I had to figure out was what my core values and beliefs are. Then, create a life that is congruent with that. It sounds simple, and it was once I figured out my core values and beliefs. But I had to get to a point of self-acceptance and self-love before that was possible, and part of that was accepting my sexuality.
That was the hard part. Talking about it and associating with other LGBTQ+ Church members made it easier. And I want to admit something here. There was a while when the idea of even talking to a fellow LGBTQ+ person terrified me. It was because I was terrified of myself. I had to accept who I was and love myself before I was able to accept another. There is real power in the first two great commandments to love God and love your neighbor as yourself. The level of love you have for yourself directly affects your ability to love others.
Over the last 6 months my wife and I have been coming out to more people. I say my wife and I because it's both me coming out and us as a MOM coming out. I find that what I feared before about people knowing was the opposite of the truth.
The more open I am, the more authentic I feel I am living and the less fear and shame can live. Why? Because telling our story brings healing, connection, and confidence. It opens the way for special experiences for me and my wife.
My relationship with Christ, the part the atonement has played in my life, my experience in the gospel and in the Church, my faith, testimony, and personal conversion are so deeply affected with my experience as a gay man. I couldn't be genuine in sharing about those things if I kept my sexuality hidden.
Tember then asked a great follow-up question: When did you finally acknowledge to yourself that you were gay and how you felt? Had you accepted the SSA at that point as well, or was it merely just an acknowledgement?
For me, it was more an acknowledgement when I came to the realization. I personally knew about my attractions from a young age, but didn't truly acknowledge it until I was a young adult, and it was in total shame. I didn't start really pulling out of that shame until a little over a year ago. It has only been within the last 6 months since I've been going public about it that I feel like I can say I've basically overcome the shame completely. That doesn't mean it's not scary to come out to people, but I'm not in the shame anymore.
I am grateful to Tember for asking those questions.
There was a real struggle for me in my journey to find the place where I could reconcile my sexuality and my faith. I still don't have it all figured out. It is a very difficult journey, and it is no surprise that many take a different path and step away from the Church. It is something that only LGBTQ+ could fully understand. To feel that you have a part of you that no matter how you try it doesn't fit inside the doctrine of the gospel while at the same time having an undeniable testimony of said gospel is incredibly difficult to reconcile. However, to walk away from either of these parts of me is not possible, because to do so would be denying a part of me. That's not living authentically.
I do believe that there is a place for both my testimony and my sexuality. My sexuality has brought me an understanding of God's love I would not have come to any other way. Being gay affects my understanding of the atonement and what it is capable of. I am more inclusive and sensitive of those who don't fit within the cultural norm. My experiences I have had because of the struggles I have gone through help me to be empathetic to other's struggles and hurt. I respect other's agency and love them even when their path leads them away from the Church, because no matter the path they choose they are still children of God and their worth does not change. Of course, I don't want to see anyone step away from the Church, and we have got to find a way to keep more of our LGBTQ+ brothers and sisters from leaving. But they still deserve love and respect if that is the path they choose.
I know that there are people who find my authenticity confusing and even wrong. That's okay. My authenticity doesn't have to make sense to you just as yours doesn't need to make sense to me. It is my authenticity. It only needs to make sense to me and vice-versa. The only thing I have to worry about is making sure that I honor and respect your authenticity as you do the same for me.
When we stop worrying and judging other's lives we will find that we have more room to explore our own and find the self-love and acceptance we need to live authentically. Then, we won't feel the need to judge others. We will only feel pure, unmitigated love for them. After all, our place is to just love. Leave the rest to God.
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