For members of the LGBTQ+ community both inside and outside of the Church coming out is a big deal for many reasons. It means that you are coming to accept who you are and overcoming the shame that you have carried-possibly for decades-due to your sexuality falling out of the "norm" of how society defines sexuality. It is a major step toward living a life of authenticity and self-love. It is a demonstration that you will not be controlled or shamed into hiding who you are. It is putting yourself-your entire self-on public display for all to see. It is the willingness to be vulnerable and live whole-heartedly.
It is an invitation for others to come to know the real you and finally be able to connect wholly and completely without reservation with family, friends, colleagues, and others you interact with. It means you will no longer live in fear of other's opinions, judgement, hate, and discriminatory views.
It is a big deal.
But...why?
I'm sure that we have all heard someone (probably a heterosexual) say something like, "I just don't understand why the LGBTQ+ community has to make a big deal about their sexuality. Why do they have to have a 'coming out'? I don't go walking around yelling 'I'M STRAIGHT, AND I'M PROUD OF IT!'
Of course you don't. You don't have to.
You're straight. Your sexuality has been socially accepted since the beginning of time. Your sexuality is considered the norm, the ideal, the right and good way. You didn't spend your childhood, youth, and majority of adulthood confused and afraid, living in shame and self-hatred, and having to hide your attractions. You didn't sit in Church listening to how your sexuality was evil, sinful, or a crime against nature. You weren't told that your sexuality condemned you to hell or how it was a choice, and if you just tried hard enough you could "overcome it" or be "cured" of it like it was some kind of contagious disease or a curse. You didn't live in fear that if you're parents found out they'd kick you out of the house and you'd be rejected by all your family and friends. You weren't told that as long as you remained faithful God would "fix" you in the next life to be "right" like everyone else and then start believing that death was the only way out of this mess that you've been told you chose to be in. You could talk openly about your attractions without shame, fear, and rejection. Even your objectification of the opposite sex was seen as normal and (wrongfully I would add) good. Others didn't equate your sexuality with meaning that you wanted to have sex with every person of the opposite sex that walked passed you, or even worse, that it meant you are a pedophile.
It's called heterosexual privilege.
And here's the thing about privilege: you usually don't know you have it. You aren't aware of how it gives you unequal opportunities and advantages in life big or small.
Now, it's not my intent to disparage straight people. I don't hate them, nor do I want them to be hated. I don't need any kind of reparation, justice, or revenge. I love many straight people. However, I would be lying if I said that straight people haven't caused me a lot of pain, sorrow, and isolation in my life both intentional and unintentional. I think that one of the first steps to understanding, helping, and loving your LGBTQ+ brothers and sisters is recognizing and acknowledging the privilege you enjoy as a heterosexual. That doesn't mean you feel shame about your sexuality. It just means you become aware of the fact that you don't have to justify your attractions or defend your worthiness, validity, and place in the Church and society in general like your LGBTQ+ brothers and sisters do on a frequent basis.
So, in wanting to bring this back full circle, let's go back to my original questions. WHY is coming out for LGBTQ+ individuals such a big deal? Who made it such a big deal?
Now, I want to put a disclaimer here and say that the following answer is just my personal opinion, so take it as that, and please don't start stating it as anything more than that.
The only answer I've been able to come up with is this:
It's a big deal, because the privileged majority made it a big deal.
I certainly didn't! As a child and youth I wasn't the one who starting calling myself "femmy", "gay", "pervert", "faggot", "girl", and other such names, and then asked my classmates to use them as well. Nope. Pretty sure it was the other way around. I wasn't the one who stood at the pulpit or taught classes in Church stating that LGBTQ+ were evil, perverse, unnatural, mentally ill, and condemned to burn in hell forever. I wasn't the one who defined what masculine and feminine meant, nor was I the one who decided which of these categories each activity, hobby, interest, talent, profession, mannerisms and so forth fell under. It wasn't me who fostered and cultivated these beliefs and ideals to become so deeply ingrained in our culture. Why would I do that to myself?
The privileged majority set those boundaries.
It's sad and probably pretty harsh to say it so bluntly, but there it is.
It is one of the reasons I have personally disliked the idea of making a big to do of "coming out", because it means I'm still following the cultural tenets of the privileged. At the same time, I feel like I have to, because how else will I be able to help people see the need for change? How will I be able to live authentically? How will I be able to be a voice and advocate?
I have a hope that one day future generations won't have to write "coming out" posts on social media or come out in their ward councils or such environments, because they will have never had to live in the shame and fear that past generations had to. They will be able to live authentically and be loved and accepted for who they are from the very beginning. I have hope that they will be told without reservation that everyone, no matter their sexuality or gender identity, has an irreplaceable spot in the Kingdom of God. That they have a work to do and role to play that no one else can do. That they are not a mistake, but that they were created exactly how God intended them to be, because it's part of His perfect and loving plan that He has individually customized so that we could grow to be exactly who we are meant to be, which, by the way, is to be be like Him and not the stereotypical gender roles that we have tried to force upon each other.
I pray that we will more fully live the covenants we take upon ourselves when we are baptized members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, which Alma so beautifully and simply lays out in Mosiah 18:8-10.
Ye are...called...to bear one another’s burdens...and...mourn with those that mourn; yea, and comfort those who stand in need of comfort, and to stand as witnesses to God...that he may pour out his Spirit more abundantly upon you.
My hope is that one day we as a Church and as one body of disciples of Christ will be able to "come out" and come away from past paradigms and live more fully in unity, love and peace just like He intended.
It is an invitation for others to come to know the real you and finally be able to connect wholly and completely without reservation with family, friends, colleagues, and others you interact with. It means you will no longer live in fear of other's opinions, judgement, hate, and discriminatory views.
It is a big deal.
But...why?
I'm sure that we have all heard someone (probably a heterosexual) say something like, "I just don't understand why the LGBTQ+ community has to make a big deal about their sexuality. Why do they have to have a 'coming out'? I don't go walking around yelling 'I'M STRAIGHT, AND I'M PROUD OF IT!'
Of course you don't. You don't have to.
You're straight. Your sexuality has been socially accepted since the beginning of time. Your sexuality is considered the norm, the ideal, the right and good way. You didn't spend your childhood, youth, and majority of adulthood confused and afraid, living in shame and self-hatred, and having to hide your attractions. You didn't sit in Church listening to how your sexuality was evil, sinful, or a crime against nature. You weren't told that your sexuality condemned you to hell or how it was a choice, and if you just tried hard enough you could "overcome it" or be "cured" of it like it was some kind of contagious disease or a curse. You didn't live in fear that if you're parents found out they'd kick you out of the house and you'd be rejected by all your family and friends. You weren't told that as long as you remained faithful God would "fix" you in the next life to be "right" like everyone else and then start believing that death was the only way out of this mess that you've been told you chose to be in. You could talk openly about your attractions without shame, fear, and rejection. Even your objectification of the opposite sex was seen as normal and (wrongfully I would add) good. Others didn't equate your sexuality with meaning that you wanted to have sex with every person of the opposite sex that walked passed you, or even worse, that it meant you are a pedophile.
It's called heterosexual privilege.
And here's the thing about privilege: you usually don't know you have it. You aren't aware of how it gives you unequal opportunities and advantages in life big or small.
Now, it's not my intent to disparage straight people. I don't hate them, nor do I want them to be hated. I don't need any kind of reparation, justice, or revenge. I love many straight people. However, I would be lying if I said that straight people haven't caused me a lot of pain, sorrow, and isolation in my life both intentional and unintentional. I think that one of the first steps to understanding, helping, and loving your LGBTQ+ brothers and sisters is recognizing and acknowledging the privilege you enjoy as a heterosexual. That doesn't mean you feel shame about your sexuality. It just means you become aware of the fact that you don't have to justify your attractions or defend your worthiness, validity, and place in the Church and society in general like your LGBTQ+ brothers and sisters do on a frequent basis.
(Tangent)
In regards to being a gay man, I do find other men attractive. However, I don't find ALL men attractive. I have preferences and taste just like any straight guy has in women they're attracted to. If you're disturbed by the idea of another man being attracted to you or objectifying you, use it as a great opportunity to do some personal introspection on how you treat, talk about, and objectify women, because how you feel about another man doing it to you is probably pretty close to how women feel when you do it to them. Just sayin'...
(End Tangent)
So, in wanting to bring this back full circle, let's go back to my original questions. WHY is coming out for LGBTQ+ individuals such a big deal? Who made it such a big deal?
Now, I want to put a disclaimer here and say that the following answer is just my personal opinion, so take it as that, and please don't start stating it as anything more than that.
The only answer I've been able to come up with is this:
It's a big deal, because the privileged majority made it a big deal.
I certainly didn't! As a child and youth I wasn't the one who starting calling myself "femmy", "gay", "pervert", "faggot", "girl", and other such names, and then asked my classmates to use them as well. Nope. Pretty sure it was the other way around. I wasn't the one who stood at the pulpit or taught classes in Church stating that LGBTQ+ were evil, perverse, unnatural, mentally ill, and condemned to burn in hell forever. I wasn't the one who defined what masculine and feminine meant, nor was I the one who decided which of these categories each activity, hobby, interest, talent, profession, mannerisms and so forth fell under. It wasn't me who fostered and cultivated these beliefs and ideals to become so deeply ingrained in our culture. Why would I do that to myself?
The privileged majority set those boundaries.
It's sad and probably pretty harsh to say it so bluntly, but there it is.
It is one of the reasons I have personally disliked the idea of making a big to do of "coming out", because it means I'm still following the cultural tenets of the privileged. At the same time, I feel like I have to, because how else will I be able to help people see the need for change? How will I be able to live authentically? How will I be able to be a voice and advocate?
I have a hope that one day future generations won't have to write "coming out" posts on social media or come out in their ward councils or such environments, because they will have never had to live in the shame and fear that past generations had to. They will be able to live authentically and be loved and accepted for who they are from the very beginning. I have hope that they will be told without reservation that everyone, no matter their sexuality or gender identity, has an irreplaceable spot in the Kingdom of God. That they have a work to do and role to play that no one else can do. That they are not a mistake, but that they were created exactly how God intended them to be, because it's part of His perfect and loving plan that He has individually customized so that we could grow to be exactly who we are meant to be, which, by the way, is to be be like Him and not the stereotypical gender roles that we have tried to force upon each other.
I pray that we will more fully live the covenants we take upon ourselves when we are baptized members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, which Alma so beautifully and simply lays out in Mosiah 18:8-10.
Ye are...called...to bear one another’s burdens...and...mourn with those that mourn; yea, and comfort those who stand in need of comfort, and to stand as witnesses to God...that he may pour out his Spirit more abundantly upon you.
My hope is that one day we as a Church and as one body of disciples of Christ will be able to "come out" and come away from past paradigms and live more fully in unity, love and peace just like He intended.
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