***LONG POST ALERT***
So, I've been wanting to write this post for a long time, but I haven't been able to get around to it for a few reasons:
1.) Life happens
2.) Work happens
3.) Health issues happen
4.) I had to wait for certain parts to be made public before I could talk about the experience, because it is important to the context of the full story and seeing as they were confidential it would not have been appropriate for me to share before the dates that information would be announced.
The reason this post will be so long is because it includes many events and things I've already brought up, but have to bring up again as they play a key part in the entirety of the story. The whole story spans from December 2018 to October of this year.
So, buckle up, take a deep breath, and read on!
A MUSIC VIDEO
In December last year Emma told me that North Star International was partnering with the More Good Foundation to create a special musical video that would showcase LGBTQ members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. They would be holding auditions for various parts for the video, and one of the parts was a mixed orientation family with young children. With 3 children ages 4, 4, and 3 we definitely fit that description. We had been involved with the North Star community for about a year by this time. We felt like this was a great opportunity to get more involved, so, we decided to submit our family for consideration for the part.
(spoiler alert) We got the part!
We then had the great privilege of working with members of the More Good Foundation to film our scene for the video. Despite the chill of a February morning it was such an enjoyable experience, and the crew were so good with our little ones.
Fast forward to March. The video, titled "I am a Latter-day Saint, I am LGBTQ, and This is What I Know," was first shown at the North Star Annual Conference. It was beautiful and moving.
After it was shown it was announced from the stage that they wanted everyone in the audience to share the video on all their social media platforms and use certain hashtags in the hopes that they could get this video to go viral.
I felt an electric shock run through my body at that moment as I sat there in the front row of the conference room. Pretty sure my eyes were the size of hubcaps. I numbly turned to Emma (who looked about the same as I felt) and stared at her for a second.
You see, at this point, Emma and I had not come out publicly about our situation-that is my being gay, our whole journey of the struggles in our marriage, and our being a mixed orientation marriage.
This was a big deal for us-not to mention slightly terrifying.
Now, I want to say right here that this was in no way the fault of any person or group of North Star or the More Good Foundation. They weren't at all ambiguous about their intentions with what would happen with the video. I think this was simply a situation of my being ignorant of the fact that the purpose of this video was to bring awareness to this topic. Of course that was its purpose!
So, what did we do? Emma asked me what I thought we should do. I just looked at her and said, "Might as well share it." We'd been talking about going public and how we could do that. I felt like sharing the video was a good way to go about it. So we shared it. Tapping on "Post" to share that video was terrifying, exhilarating, and empowering! I had hope that doing so would bring positive, spiritual experiences for us. I also feared the negative responses we could potentially get.
The following days were nerve-racking. We would surmise about who might have possibly seen the video. Our families? We weren't officially out to Emma's family at this point. Members of our ward? Colleagues at work? Our nerves climbed as we watched the views climb, then it was shared by LDS Living and other news organizations and social media platforms. By all means the video went viral garnering about 100,000 views within a few days. It is by far the most viewed video on the North Star International YouTube channel. Surely, someone we know saw it.
And saw it they did.
People starting approaching us about the video. People we hadn't talked to in years. That Sunday after the conference we had a ward member approach us and tell us they'd seen the video. They shared how beautiful it was and thanked us for being willing to bring awareness to this topic. The next day Emma took our children to a playground, and out of the blue she ran into a friend from her youth she hadn't seen in several years. Her friend told her she'd seen the video and she expressed great love and support for Emma and our marriage. She then invited us to their home for dinner.
These are just two examples of what we experienced after the launch of the video.
VOICES OF HOPE
I am going to back up here a bit, because I am getting ahead of myself. On the second day of the North Star conference we were enjoying a concert that was summing up the whole conference when we were approached by someone (I can't remember who it was now). They told us that someone (I won't say their name out of respect for their privacy) would like to speak with us outside the conference room. We were a little confused (okay, a lot confused), because this individual had not, to my knowledge, ever spoken to us before. We knew them, but I don't think we had even met them. Yet, they knew our names.
After a quick introduction they asked us if we would be willing to share our story in a Voices of Hope video.
This was not what we were expecting.
We knew about these videos. We discovered them when we were searching to find couples like us. They had brought us so much hope, because they helped us see that we were not the only couple in the world experiences this kind of marriage. We had even, somewhat jokingly, said that it would be cool to one day make one of them to share our story. We knew there was an application that could be submitted to be considered for one. We never thought we'd be asked to make one! Even better-they wanted us to record the video the next day. We had less than 24 hours to take in what was happening and prepare if we accepted.
Despite the short notice and intense vulnerability we felt we also felt a peace that this was the right thing to do. We said yes.
Before we sat down to record our story we were both given a blessing. All I can say is that the words spoken in those blessings were truly inspired. I knew we were where God wanted us to be and doing what He wanted us to do in the moment.
Sharing our story was unforgettable. It was sacred. It was healing. Sitting in front of a camera, Emma and I shared our story for the first time. Ever. It was the first time we ourselves had sat down and actually put the whole journey together.
This was all happening while we watched the music video's views climb higher and higher. That weekend was one of the craziest weekends I've ever experienced.
ENTER THE BISHOP
At this point in time Emma nor I had shared our story or experiences with our bishop. I had not told him I was gay. We weren't exactly hiding it. Of course, there was some fear and trepidation about the idea of telling him, It was more like we just hadn't felt the need, the push, to do so. Emma and I were very private about our story. We moved slowly with sharing it up to this point. However, I had felt for a long time that a day would come that God would want us to share it. I didn't know it would be like this, though!
So, because of the fact that this highly viewed video was out and we had now recorded a Voices of Hope video that would be coming out within the next several months, we felt like we should meet with our bishop. We felt confident he would be loving and supportive and that it would be good to have his support through this process.
He. Was. Amazing.
Bishop (I'm calling you that to keep you anonymous), if you're reading this all I have to say to you is thank you. You did it right. We could not have asked for a better bishop.
We shared with him about my being gay. We shared with him about our mixed orientation marriage. He showed unmitigated love and support. He asked great questions so he could better understand. He respected our confidentiality. He never gave unsolicited advice or counsel. He openly admitted to areas where he lacked knowledge and understanding. He just loved and listened. He did it right.
THE CALLING
Three months later I received a text from the stake executive secretary. He said a member of the stake presidency would like to meet with me and Emma. We were not expecting a text like this. We knew that some leadership changes might be happening within the next few months, but it was too far out for someone to be extended a calling. I thought it could be that they were asking us to speak in stake conference. Emma did not like that idea. She was hoping I would be given a calling.
She was right.
After some small talk and getting to know each other a bit the stake presidency member asked me of I'd be willing to accept the calling to be the bishop's 2nd counselor. I was floored! This was not what I was expecting. I was shocked and I felt like my brain had glue in it and couldn't register what he said or what to say about it for several seconds. I accepted the calling despite feeling completely inadequate and that there were so many other men in the ward would could do this job better then myself. The stake presidency member gave me one piece of counsel, though, that helped calm my heart. He said, "Be your own kind of leader." I felt then that what he was saying was that, yes, there may be other men in the ward who could totally crush this calling, but God called me, not them, and He needed me whatever I have and am at that time in a leadership position. I needed to be my own kind of leader, not the leader someone else would be.
The next several days where filled with nervousness, excitement, and a back-and-forth of not feeling up to the job but a determination to do it.
It was a special day when I was sustained and also ordained to the office of High Priest. One of my mission presidents were able to come to ordain me, which was a great experience. Since my parents were too far away, it was too short notice for my father to get time off work, and my mother's health is failing, the next best thing was my mission president who is many ways was a father-figure to me during my mission. He and his wife are wonderful people.
The following months were full of beautiful experiences. My calling required me to frequently be away from my family. I would go with the bishop and 1st counselor to minister to ward members in the week. We would attend training meetings late into the night. My Sundays were very long and every Sunday basically turned into a fast Sunday. I met with many ward members to extend callings, to conduct temple recommend interviews, receive reports on the work other ward leaders were doing in their callings and coordinate how I could support them and help them fill their needs. I became very good friends with the bishop and 1st counselor.
It required sacrifice from every member of my family. Emma was also serving in the ward Relief Society presidency, so if I wasn't gone for meetings or other commitments she was.
The picture below, which was taken by Emma, was one of those evenings. I got home from work, sat down and wolfed down my dinner, then ran to change to head out the door for a home visit with the bishopric. I hadn't seen my children for almost 24 hours and now, after only about 45 minutes after getting home, I was leaving again, and by the time I would get home they would be in bed asleep. It was hard. It was heart wrenching. I had to pry their little bodies off of me and then push their little fingers back inside so they wouldn't get smashed as I closed the door. I wanted so badly to open that door back up, grab them all up in my arms and just not go. I wanted to text the bishop and tell them I wasn't going to make it. But I wanted to show them that the Lord's work was important to me, and that I was putting Him first. That is hard to do. It's hard to choose to put someone above your own wife and children-even if it's the Lord.
However, I could see the Lord sanctify these sacrifices. Our home had greater peace. My wife and I were able to manage time better. A greater outpouring of the Spirit was felt in our home. We seemed to be more optimistic and happier. The children were so good during sacrament meeting while I had to sit on the stand. We connected with and made more friends in our ward than we ever had before.
COMING OUT TO THE WARD
It was after only a small time being in the calling that we had what I will call a special opportunity to begin sharing our story with the ward. I never intended to come out to the ward about my being gay, especially while in this calling. But I feel in my heart that the Lord had other plans. I had felt a push from the Spirit that the time was fast approaching that Emma and I needed to tell our story openly. That began with the music video. Then, we recorded our Voices of Hope video (which hadn't come out yet at this time). Now, I was in the bishopric and the push was growing.
The breaking point came during a ward council meeting one Sunday when a ward council member mentioned that something had been said in a class about LGBTQ that would have been potentially hurtful to someone who identified as LGBTQ. This person had been working with a member of the ward who did that was working on returning to church. They were grateful that individual was not in the class to hear the comment.
The ward council then discussed how we as leaders could help to create a place where everyone could feel safe, included, and loved.
I felt like all eyes, physical and spiritual, were staring me down despite the only person in the room knowing about my situation was the bishop. Not even the 1st counselor knew. I tried to play an active part in the discussion, but felt like I couldn't truly express what I was feeling or thinking, because I wasn't out. I also in the moment felt like I had been dishonest with all these leaders and the members of the ward in general. They had raised their hand to sustain me as a member of the bishopric, yet they had been kept from a key part of who I was as a person, as a disciple of Christ.
I felt restless and anxious for the next several days after that ward council meeting. It was after reading an article written anonymously by a stake president who was gay but not out. They felt shame for their fear to come out and that they had helped to perpetuate some of the stereotypes and cultural problems within the church against their fellow LGBTQ members. At that moment I felt a powerful witness from the Spirit of what I needed to do. The Lord not only wanted me to help address this issue, but to do it by sharing my own situation and story.
I was going to come out.
Emma and I were going to come out.
It was incredibly vulnerable and I felt a lot of fear, but I felt so right about it. I set up a meeting with the bishop, and we ended talking for over 2 hours. He continued to work to understand my experience and ask important questions to increase his own understanding of what LGBTQ members experience.
We decided to hold a special bishopric meeting where I came out to the 1st counselor. Again, he was amazing. I don't think he spoke a word for an hour at least, but just listened. He is a great listener. It wan't until the next day when I got an email from him that he expressed what he was really feeling. His email was filled with love, support, and understanding for me, Emma, and our family. He expressed his full support for us.
These two men have become very good friends to me.
After that meeting we decided the next course of action was to have Emma attend ward council with me, and we would come out to the ward leaders. This was another scary but exciting opportunity for us. We did a lot of praying and preparing for the meeting. We were nervous on the day of, but knowing there were two wonderful men in the room who knew and loved us helped a lot.
In preparation for the meeting we gathered some material to give to the ward council that provided helpful council and resources and prayed. There was lots of prayer. We gave them a copy of Sister Rebecca Craft's LGBTQ Ministering Guide that can be found on the Listen, Learn, and Love's articles page. Though there were nerves, we felt peace on the day we met with the ward council. The meeting was wonderful and the Spirit helped us to share our message and a great feeling of love was felt in the meeting.
Following the ward council meeting I was asked by the Ward Sunday President if I would be willing to help with the quarterly teachers council meeting. The topic of the meeting was how to handle addressing sensitive topics. The two topics we chose were divorce and LGBTQ issues. I was asked to address these issues while the Sunday school presidency discussed the principles of proactive and reactive teaching. Honestly, it was the best teacher's training meeting I've been to. The Sunday school presidency did a fabulous job in their preparations and created a space where a feeling of love was felt.
When I originally stood up to talk about divorce and LGBTQ I did not intend to come out. However, when the Spirit speaks I've learned that I should follow (not that I'm perfect that this, believe me, but I try!). So, without any prior notification to the bishop I came out in the meeting. It was a beautiful moment of vulnerability, love, and connection. Tears were shed and love was expressed.
I am not able to fully describe the wonderful experiences Emma and I have had since our coming out to our ward. It wasn't long before this that the idea of telling anyone about being gay caused a level of anxiety that resulted in shaking, cold sweat, and nausea. I was so afraid of rejection and loss. What I've found is the complete opposite. The reactions and responses have been overwhelming love and support! I've found that my willingness to be open and frank about my life's experiences and trials has brought connection, love, and space where others can be open about their life with me. It's a beautiful thing to see how sharing my experiences being gay and my testimony of the Savior and His infinite atonement has opened doors for others and myself to a space where we can be our whole selves without fear of rejection.
THE VIDEO LAUNCH
It was while all of this was going on that our Voices of Hope video was launched. I remember the moment they went live. A feeling of shock ran through my body. This was real and was happening. It felt strange to see that we were now a part the very thing that helped us find hope and healing only a couple years previous. I thought I'd feel fear and want to crawl into bed and hide under the covers for a week, but that wasn't at all what I felt. I mean, of course there was trepidation, but I knew that what Emma and I were doing was RIGHT. I felt in my heart that we had followed the Lord's will and desire for us to share our story.
I felt that I had two choices with this launch. I could just leave it alone and let it take it's own course and go on as normally with my life as possible, or I could take an active part in it. I decided on the latter of those two choices.
Thus, this blog and subsequent Facebook page. It's not my intention to be some kind of poster child. However, I felt in my heart that the Lord didn't lead us to make that video and then just leave it alone. He asked us to do this so we could share our story, be a help to others, and be a witness of Him. We have been able to do all of this. I don't expect it to go viral or for us to become well known or influential people, I just want to help the one that is struggling and hurting and lost like I was. Like Emma was. Like we were as a couple. It's not about the number of views it gets. It's about the friend who reaches out to me and shares personal struggles they're dealing with. All because they saw our video and now feel safe to be vulnerable with me. It's about the couple we meet at an event who is going through some of the same things we did and feel strengthened from knowing they are not alone on this journey. It's all about the one.
So, here's a cool story I want to share about our Voices of Hope video and why I think it was inspired:
The inception of the Voices of Hope Project occurred on May 20, 2012 when one of the founders of the project read a magazine article about the story of one of the other project founders. This started the process of getting the project off the ground and running.
May 20, 2012 was two days before Emma and I got engaged. We came upon the Voices of Hope Project for the first time sometime in late 2015 or early 2016. This was after I had come out to Emma. It was the first time since my coming out to her that we had found other couples like us when we previously thought we were alone, because we could not find another couple like us. It was a major reason we made the move to Utah so that we could be closer to resources of help for us and to possibly be able to meet couples like us.
I know this project wasn't created just for us, but I do not find it coincidence that the timeline of the Voices of Hope Project matches the timeline of our relationship. I can't help but feel that God knew what we would face and was working on the thing that would bring us hope and strength during one of our darkest times. I don't find it coincidence that this project helped lead us to Utah and that we eventually became involved in it.
AN UNEXPECTED CHANGE & RELEASE
After 4 months of being in the bishopric, we were informed that the stake would be redrawing ward boundaries. Our ward was to be dissolved, cut in half, and assimilated into other existing wards. As a result, we would all be released from our callings. I would be lying if I said I wasn't heartbroken about this news when I first heard it. Emma was as well when I went home and told her. We felt we had finally found a ward where we felt at home. We loved our ward and the members in it. I think the hardest part was that we couldn't tell them as it was confidential information. However, I'm grateful that I knew ahead of time. It gave me time to grieve, pray, and seek out the Lord's will in the change. So, when the day came for the big stake meeting I had received my own personal confirmation that this change was truly inspired by God. It still wasn't easy, it was still sad, but I knew moving forward that things would be okay.
Our new ward is full of wonderful people. I am grateful that we have been blessed with keeping many of our old ward friends with the change. However, this starts the process all over again with deciding when and how to come out. It's a never ending part of the life of being an active gay member of the Church. It's constantly vulnerable and scary, but just like with most things, I'm coming to be comfortable with the discomfort.
I haven't come out to our new bishop or the ward...yet. I'm sure it will happen. However, I'm not one to force it. Instead, I pray and wait upon the Lord. He will inspire Emma and I when, where, and how to do it and with whom to do it with. Until then I will continue to attend my ward meetings, serve in the calling(s) given to me by the Lord, and try to be better every day and love.
BE YOUR OWN KIND OF LEADER
Remember earlier how I was given the advice from the stake presidency member to "be your own kind of leader?"
I've thought a lot about that. It was actually the topic I chose to speak on in the last sacrament meeting of our previous ward before it was dissolved, and it's the last thing I want to share in this (very) long post. It's something I've pondered on a lot since that meeting.
The answer? I want to be a leader of love.
I want to be like Jesus Christ.
He lifted. He served. He sacrificed.
He loved.
And here is the amazing thing about being that kind of leader:
EVERYONE can do it. Everyone can love. Everyone can be like Christ.
He who was, and is, the greatest, most influential, radical, disruptive, innovative leader to have ever lived. His model and example of leadership is a model we can all follow. There are no prerequisite educational degrees, certifications, licenses, accreditations, social status achievements, career titles, salary levels or anything of the like to be like Christ. We can all be the kind of leader He was. It just takes love.
Unmitigated, unconditional, bold, genuine, forgiving, compassionate, vulnerable love.
THE CALLING
Three months later I received a text from the stake executive secretary. He said a member of the stake presidency would like to meet with me and Emma. We were not expecting a text like this. We knew that some leadership changes might be happening within the next few months, but it was too far out for someone to be extended a calling. I thought it could be that they were asking us to speak in stake conference. Emma did not like that idea. She was hoping I would be given a calling.
She was right.
After some small talk and getting to know each other a bit the stake presidency member asked me of I'd be willing to accept the calling to be the bishop's 2nd counselor. I was floored! This was not what I was expecting. I was shocked and I felt like my brain had glue in it and couldn't register what he said or what to say about it for several seconds. I accepted the calling despite feeling completely inadequate and that there were so many other men in the ward would could do this job better then myself. The stake presidency member gave me one piece of counsel, though, that helped calm my heart. He said, "Be your own kind of leader." I felt then that what he was saying was that, yes, there may be other men in the ward who could totally crush this calling, but God called me, not them, and He needed me whatever I have and am at that time in a leadership position. I needed to be my own kind of leader, not the leader someone else would be.
The next several days where filled with nervousness, excitement, and a back-and-forth of not feeling up to the job but a determination to do it.
It was a special day when I was sustained and also ordained to the office of High Priest. One of my mission presidents were able to come to ordain me, which was a great experience. Since my parents were too far away, it was too short notice for my father to get time off work, and my mother's health is failing, the next best thing was my mission president who is many ways was a father-figure to me during my mission. He and his wife are wonderful people.
The following months were full of beautiful experiences. My calling required me to frequently be away from my family. I would go with the bishop and 1st counselor to minister to ward members in the week. We would attend training meetings late into the night. My Sundays were very long and every Sunday basically turned into a fast Sunday. I met with many ward members to extend callings, to conduct temple recommend interviews, receive reports on the work other ward leaders were doing in their callings and coordinate how I could support them and help them fill their needs. I became very good friends with the bishop and 1st counselor.
It required sacrifice from every member of my family. Emma was also serving in the ward Relief Society presidency, so if I wasn't gone for meetings or other commitments she was.
The picture below, which was taken by Emma, was one of those evenings. I got home from work, sat down and wolfed down my dinner, then ran to change to head out the door for a home visit with the bishopric. I hadn't seen my children for almost 24 hours and now, after only about 45 minutes after getting home, I was leaving again, and by the time I would get home they would be in bed asleep. It was hard. It was heart wrenching. I had to pry their little bodies off of me and then push their little fingers back inside so they wouldn't get smashed as I closed the door. I wanted so badly to open that door back up, grab them all up in my arms and just not go. I wanted to text the bishop and tell them I wasn't going to make it. But I wanted to show them that the Lord's work was important to me, and that I was putting Him first. That is hard to do. It's hard to choose to put someone above your own wife and children-even if it's the Lord.
However, I could see the Lord sanctify these sacrifices. Our home had greater peace. My wife and I were able to manage time better. A greater outpouring of the Spirit was felt in our home. We seemed to be more optimistic and happier. The children were so good during sacrament meeting while I had to sit on the stand. We connected with and made more friends in our ward than we ever had before.
COMING OUT TO THE WARD
It was after only a small time being in the calling that we had what I will call a special opportunity to begin sharing our story with the ward. I never intended to come out to the ward about my being gay, especially while in this calling. But I feel in my heart that the Lord had other plans. I had felt a push from the Spirit that the time was fast approaching that Emma and I needed to tell our story openly. That began with the music video. Then, we recorded our Voices of Hope video (which hadn't come out yet at this time). Now, I was in the bishopric and the push was growing.
The breaking point came during a ward council meeting one Sunday when a ward council member mentioned that something had been said in a class about LGBTQ that would have been potentially hurtful to someone who identified as LGBTQ. This person had been working with a member of the ward who did that was working on returning to church. They were grateful that individual was not in the class to hear the comment.
The ward council then discussed how we as leaders could help to create a place where everyone could feel safe, included, and loved.
I felt like all eyes, physical and spiritual, were staring me down despite the only person in the room knowing about my situation was the bishop. Not even the 1st counselor knew. I tried to play an active part in the discussion, but felt like I couldn't truly express what I was feeling or thinking, because I wasn't out. I also in the moment felt like I had been dishonest with all these leaders and the members of the ward in general. They had raised their hand to sustain me as a member of the bishopric, yet they had been kept from a key part of who I was as a person, as a disciple of Christ.
I felt restless and anxious for the next several days after that ward council meeting. It was after reading an article written anonymously by a stake president who was gay but not out. They felt shame for their fear to come out and that they had helped to perpetuate some of the stereotypes and cultural problems within the church against their fellow LGBTQ members. At that moment I felt a powerful witness from the Spirit of what I needed to do. The Lord not only wanted me to help address this issue, but to do it by sharing my own situation and story.
I was going to come out.
Emma and I were going to come out.
It was incredibly vulnerable and I felt a lot of fear, but I felt so right about it. I set up a meeting with the bishop, and we ended talking for over 2 hours. He continued to work to understand my experience and ask important questions to increase his own understanding of what LGBTQ members experience.
We decided to hold a special bishopric meeting where I came out to the 1st counselor. Again, he was amazing. I don't think he spoke a word for an hour at least, but just listened. He is a great listener. It wan't until the next day when I got an email from him that he expressed what he was really feeling. His email was filled with love, support, and understanding for me, Emma, and our family. He expressed his full support for us.
These two men have become very good friends to me.
After that meeting we decided the next course of action was to have Emma attend ward council with me, and we would come out to the ward leaders. This was another scary but exciting opportunity for us. We did a lot of praying and preparing for the meeting. We were nervous on the day of, but knowing there were two wonderful men in the room who knew and loved us helped a lot.
In preparation for the meeting we gathered some material to give to the ward council that provided helpful council and resources and prayed. There was lots of prayer. We gave them a copy of Sister Rebecca Craft's LGBTQ Ministering Guide that can be found on the Listen, Learn, and Love's articles page. Though there were nerves, we felt peace on the day we met with the ward council. The meeting was wonderful and the Spirit helped us to share our message and a great feeling of love was felt in the meeting.
Following the ward council meeting I was asked by the Ward Sunday President if I would be willing to help with the quarterly teachers council meeting. The topic of the meeting was how to handle addressing sensitive topics. The two topics we chose were divorce and LGBTQ issues. I was asked to address these issues while the Sunday school presidency discussed the principles of proactive and reactive teaching. Honestly, it was the best teacher's training meeting I've been to. The Sunday school presidency did a fabulous job in their preparations and created a space where a feeling of love was felt.
When I originally stood up to talk about divorce and LGBTQ I did not intend to come out. However, when the Spirit speaks I've learned that I should follow (not that I'm perfect that this, believe me, but I try!). So, without any prior notification to the bishop I came out in the meeting. It was a beautiful moment of vulnerability, love, and connection. Tears were shed and love was expressed.
I am not able to fully describe the wonderful experiences Emma and I have had since our coming out to our ward. It wasn't long before this that the idea of telling anyone about being gay caused a level of anxiety that resulted in shaking, cold sweat, and nausea. I was so afraid of rejection and loss. What I've found is the complete opposite. The reactions and responses have been overwhelming love and support! I've found that my willingness to be open and frank about my life's experiences and trials has brought connection, love, and space where others can be open about their life with me. It's a beautiful thing to see how sharing my experiences being gay and my testimony of the Savior and His infinite atonement has opened doors for others and myself to a space where we can be our whole selves without fear of rejection.
THE VIDEO LAUNCH
It was while all of this was going on that our Voices of Hope video was launched. I remember the moment they went live. A feeling of shock ran through my body. This was real and was happening. It felt strange to see that we were now a part the very thing that helped us find hope and healing only a couple years previous. I thought I'd feel fear and want to crawl into bed and hide under the covers for a week, but that wasn't at all what I felt. I mean, of course there was trepidation, but I knew that what Emma and I were doing was RIGHT. I felt in my heart that we had followed the Lord's will and desire for us to share our story.
I felt that I had two choices with this launch. I could just leave it alone and let it take it's own course and go on as normally with my life as possible, or I could take an active part in it. I decided on the latter of those two choices.
Thus, this blog and subsequent Facebook page. It's not my intention to be some kind of poster child. However, I felt in my heart that the Lord didn't lead us to make that video and then just leave it alone. He asked us to do this so we could share our story, be a help to others, and be a witness of Him. We have been able to do all of this. I don't expect it to go viral or for us to become well known or influential people, I just want to help the one that is struggling and hurting and lost like I was. Like Emma was. Like we were as a couple. It's not about the number of views it gets. It's about the friend who reaches out to me and shares personal struggles they're dealing with. All because they saw our video and now feel safe to be vulnerable with me. It's about the couple we meet at an event who is going through some of the same things we did and feel strengthened from knowing they are not alone on this journey. It's all about the one.
So, here's a cool story I want to share about our Voices of Hope video and why I think it was inspired:
The inception of the Voices of Hope Project occurred on May 20, 2012 when one of the founders of the project read a magazine article about the story of one of the other project founders. This started the process of getting the project off the ground and running.
May 20, 2012 was two days before Emma and I got engaged. We came upon the Voices of Hope Project for the first time sometime in late 2015 or early 2016. This was after I had come out to Emma. It was the first time since my coming out to her that we had found other couples like us when we previously thought we were alone, because we could not find another couple like us. It was a major reason we made the move to Utah so that we could be closer to resources of help for us and to possibly be able to meet couples like us.
I know this project wasn't created just for us, but I do not find it coincidence that the timeline of the Voices of Hope Project matches the timeline of our relationship. I can't help but feel that God knew what we would face and was working on the thing that would bring us hope and strength during one of our darkest times. I don't find it coincidence that this project helped lead us to Utah and that we eventually became involved in it.
AN UNEXPECTED CHANGE & RELEASE
After 4 months of being in the bishopric, we were informed that the stake would be redrawing ward boundaries. Our ward was to be dissolved, cut in half, and assimilated into other existing wards. As a result, we would all be released from our callings. I would be lying if I said I wasn't heartbroken about this news when I first heard it. Emma was as well when I went home and told her. We felt we had finally found a ward where we felt at home. We loved our ward and the members in it. I think the hardest part was that we couldn't tell them as it was confidential information. However, I'm grateful that I knew ahead of time. It gave me time to grieve, pray, and seek out the Lord's will in the change. So, when the day came for the big stake meeting I had received my own personal confirmation that this change was truly inspired by God. It still wasn't easy, it was still sad, but I knew moving forward that things would be okay.
Our new ward is full of wonderful people. I am grateful that we have been blessed with keeping many of our old ward friends with the change. However, this starts the process all over again with deciding when and how to come out. It's a never ending part of the life of being an active gay member of the Church. It's constantly vulnerable and scary, but just like with most things, I'm coming to be comfortable with the discomfort.
I haven't come out to our new bishop or the ward...yet. I'm sure it will happen. However, I'm not one to force it. Instead, I pray and wait upon the Lord. He will inspire Emma and I when, where, and how to do it and with whom to do it with. Until then I will continue to attend my ward meetings, serve in the calling(s) given to me by the Lord, and try to be better every day and love.
BE YOUR OWN KIND OF LEADER
Remember earlier how I was given the advice from the stake presidency member to "be your own kind of leader?"
I've thought a lot about that. It was actually the topic I chose to speak on in the last sacrament meeting of our previous ward before it was dissolved, and it's the last thing I want to share in this (very) long post. It's something I've pondered on a lot since that meeting.
The answer? I want to be a leader of love.
I want to be like Jesus Christ.
He lifted. He served. He sacrificed.
He loved.
And here is the amazing thing about being that kind of leader:
EVERYONE can do it. Everyone can love. Everyone can be like Christ.
He who was, and is, the greatest, most influential, radical, disruptive, innovative leader to have ever lived. His model and example of leadership is a model we can all follow. There are no prerequisite educational degrees, certifications, licenses, accreditations, social status achievements, career titles, salary levels or anything of the like to be like Christ. We can all be the kind of leader He was. It just takes love.
Unmitigated, unconditional, bold, genuine, forgiving, compassionate, vulnerable love.
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