Hurting From a Place of Love Part 1

Over the course of this year members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints have had the amazing opportunity to study the New Testament through the new Come, Follow Me program. 

One of my favorite scenes from the recorded life of Christ is when he taught the people what really mattered in life. 

"Then one of them, which was a lawyer, asked him a question, tempting him, and saying,

Master, which is the great commandment in the law?

Jesus said unto him, Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind.

This is the first and great commandment.

And the second is like unto it, Thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself.

On these two commandments hang all the law and the prophets."

This has become one of my absolute favorite moments in the scriptures. There is SO much to unfold in these verses. I feel like we could spend an entire year picking these verses apart. 

Everything hangs on these two commandments. It is the reason why Christ went through with the atonement. He showed us what it really meant to first love God and then love our neighbor. He showed love for us by paying the price of justice for our sins and also descending below all suffering, pain, sorrow, and injustice we would experience in this life so that He could forgive, succor, comfort, heal, and strengthen us. 

Jesus loved God and His neighbor. Every neighbor. Whether they loved Him or hated Him. 

Since coming out my wife and I have experienced an overwhelming outpouring of love and support from so many within and without the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. I have been amazed and humbled by it all.

There have been some negative response as well, which isn't surprising. We expected it and were prepared for it. It still hurts, though. 

But it isn't as if these people have been outright hateful or cruel. It's been the exact opposite, actually. They are coming from a place of love. Love for me and for Emma and our family. However, that doesn't change the fact that what they say hurts. In reality, when it comes from a place of love I feel like it hurts more. 

In this part 1 of 2 posts I want to focus on those who are members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.

I've already said this, but I'll say it again. For members of the Church, it does no good sharing the teachings of Church leaders, articles, quotes, scriptures, any other form of literature, or even worse, preaching at or lecturing an LGBTQ+ member. Believe me when I say no one knows the teachings, doctrines, and policies surrounding this issue better. Doing this isn't helpful. It's hurtful. 

However, questions are okay and good. Please ask questions. I am always open to them. I will not be offended by them. I love questions!

We do not need to be lectured or preached to. We need to be listened to, supported, and loved. Let me give you an example.  

Disclaimer: I don't share this example to call any specific person out (thus no names will be given) but to show you that we really do get messages or people saying things like this. 

A few weeks ago I got a private Facebook message from someone who is a member of the Church. I share with you what it said:

"I read your post on Northstar and wanted to share some ideas with you. The terms LGBTQ are labels the world made up. No one is gay or lesbian. Same gender attraction is real. But it is a weakness. Weakness is not a sin. Weakness is not good or bad. How we react to weakness is what matters. Our identity is a son or daughter of God. We don't and never should identify ourselves with our weaknesses. I was trained at the hospital I work at not to call a person who struggles with drug an "addict." As children of God we need to stay away from the ways of the world. We need to stand up for what's right. We need to love everyone. I wish you well and hope you can understand who you are and never identify yourself as LGBTQ." 

This was followed by a link to a Church-related video they felt proved their point.

Do you understand why this message is hurtful?

In short, it completely invalidates both my experience as a gay member of the Church and our experience as a couple. 

"The terms LGBTQ are labels the world made up. No one is gay or lesbian."

Yes, people are gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgender, queer, and many other things. Giving those things a name isn't evil. It isn't embracing the world. It helps me better understand what it is I'm experiencing. It makes it easier to talk about and bring to the light. It allows hope, faith, courage, and peace. To keep it nameless empowers shame, fear, ignorance, bigotry, and hate. Not giving it a name cultivates greater fear and empowers those who would use it as a weapon to spread hate against people of a nameless group mostly by pushing them back into the whole of shameful secrecy. It means we can just ignore it and act like it doesn't exist. It means that we don't have to deal with the disruption it could cause in our otherwise "Christmas card" type of life. It further marginalizes an already marginalized group. 

Names are important. Words are important. God does not use words flippantly. Every word He uses has a purpose. The same can be said with the words used by the leaders of the Church. President Russel M. Nelson has used the LGBTQ acronym as well as the words they stand for. Not to mention President M. Russell Ballard and Elder L. Whitney Clayton of the Presidency of the Seventy on MormonandGay.org and many others as well. 

"Our identity is a son or daughter of God."

Why can't I be a gay son of God? Why can't we be LGBTQ+ children of God?

"We don't and never should identify ourselves with our weaknesses."

Let's address the weakness part. When I think of a weakness I think of something such as having a short temper or struggling with time management or not being good at public speaking. 

My sexuality is not a weakness. It just is. There may be certain aspects pertaining to my sexuality that could be considered a weakness, but my sexuality is not a weakness. And acknowledging my sexuality is not weakness. 

 "I was trained at the hospital I work at not to call a person who struggles with drugs an "addict."

Now for the "addict" part. This one really hurt. It gets me pretty riled up. 

Why? 

It is comparing my sexuality to an addiction. My sexuality is NOT an addiction. It is my orientation. I can't help my orientation. I didn't choose my orientation.

With proper help and support a person can recover and heal from an addiction. I can't do that with my sexuality! Believe me, I know. I tried for over 20 years. Many others have tried as well, and you know where it led for many of us? Addictions! Addictions to pornography, sex, drugs, self-harm, and the list could go on. 

Can we please stop trying to fit or compare this particular topic of LGBTQ+ with other topics? Why can't it just be it's own topic?

I'll get off my soapbox now. 

"As children of God we need to stay away from the ways of the world."

As wonderful as this sentiment is, it just isn't possible. We live in this world. We are inseparably part of it. Yes, we are to be in the world, but not of the world. But that is different than what is being said here. The "world" (or ways of Satan) is filled with hate and cruelty. To be not of the world (or follow Christ's example) is to be filled with love and compassion. 

On another note, my sexuality is not "from the ways of the world." My sexuality is a reality. I didn't choose this. It just is. 

If we were to "stay away" from the rest of the world then why would we be sending our 18 and 19 year old men and women INTO the world? So we can fill it with love. 

This is just an excuse used to gloss over the discomfort of having to actually deal with the realities and messes of the world we live in. This world was given to us from God. It is our home. Those living in it are our brothers and sisters who stood by us and also chose and fought for Christ in the pre-mortal life. 

"We need to stand up for what's right."

To me, the intent of this statement is drawing a line that should never be drawn. How many times do you think this same statement has been used to justify rejecting and disowning an LGBTQ+ child from being part of a family? Or to stop fellowshipping someone in a ward? Or to invalidate someone's struggles and experiences in life (like it was used here against me)? The Pharisees in essence used this argument when they brought the woman caught in adultery to Christ. After all, according to the law, the right thing was to stone her (this is also one of my top favorite scenes from Christ's recorded life). 

Let's remember who the real enemy is here and fight against him by showing love like the Savior did. 

"We need to love everyone."

I am in agreement with this, but here's a question to think about. When we say this, do we really, truly mean it? Or are there caveats tied to it? If so, then I suggest rethinking your paradigm on what it means to love everyone. 

The word "everyone" is an absolute. Absolute words mean all inclusive, excepting none. So, if we need to love everyone that means everyone. And with no conditions attached to it. 

Loving someone doesn't mean you're condoning choices or lifestyles that are different than yours. It means you treat them as Christ would, which is with compassion and with friendship. It means you honor and respect them and their experience in life. It means you create a space where they know they are safe. 

For anyone wanting to know how they can help their LGBTQ+ loved one or friend, here is the best advice I have for you. Listen to them. Sit with them. Mourn with them. See them. Be there for them. Love them. 

No strings or conditions attached.